Saturday, April 17, 2010

So much for 2010...

After my Grandmother passed away last November my brothers and I said that 2010 had to be a better year. It just had to be a better year. I had a couple of abnormal pap smears the year after I had Margo starting with the one at my 6 week check up. My doctor called while I was about to get out of the car and go grocery shopping with both of my kids. He said I would need an outpatient procedure to do a biopsy and a D&C. Quite frankly I didn't have time for all of this at the moment, I mean I was trying to conquer Wal-Mart with two kids. I was scared, nervous, frustrated and thankful that I had a doctor that was taking care of me.

Fast foward to March 26, 2010, the day of my biopsy. Jeremy and my Dad went with me. We had to be there at 6:30 a.m. I had been to the surgery center once before but it has been a long time. So, Jeremy and I pull up and what is sitting right next door to it? A funeral home. Are you freaking kidding me? That is so wrong on so many levels. We got our morning of to a humerous start so that was a good ice breaker. I check in and share my disgust with the receptionist about the funeral home. She claims they were there first but this still does not change the fact that they have a funeral home next to a building where people are nervous about being put to sleep and DYING!!!! Anyway, procedure went well and I woke up so no harm no foul. When they were going over the rules of my leaving and taking care of myself the nurse kept saying that Jeremy and I couldn't do "you know what" for two weeks. Well, my Dad was standing there and this was very uncomfortable. She also said the word "vagina" like a million times and I thought my Dad was going to faint. I mean really, are they two 7th graders?

Dr. Taylor said it would take a week to find something out so I wasn't expecting anyting until that next Friday. The following Tuesday I was gettting Carter ready for Mother's Day Out and I missed a phone call. I checked it and it was Dr. Taylor's office. Oh no. Either it is good that they are calling early or so bad that they couldn't wait. I called back and told them I missed a call. The receptionist said, "Oh, is this Mrs. Ables?" I wanted to hang up and run. I said, "yes it is" and she put me on hold. I swear that I was on hold for like 5 minutes, which in phone time is a long time! I knew it had to be bad. I have worked in a doctor's office and they never stop what they are doing to talk to someone on the phone unless it was bad. Dr. Taylor got on the phone and said, "Well, I don't have good news for you sweetie." At this point I had Margo on my hip and Carter was ready to go to school and pulling no my shirt. I felt my heart drop to my feet and my throat felt like it was swelling. I wanted to push the pause button. I just needed the world to stop for a second and let me get my bearings. He said, "They found Cancer, but they are still staging it and I don't know that part yet. You will most likely have a hysterectomy. I am sending you to an Oncologist and I want you to go this week. I want you to sit down and take this in for a second. This is not a death sentence, this is just something you have to deal with right now okay. Are you okay?"

I couldn't believe this was happening. I didn't know if this was just a little Cancer or like Stage IV Cancer, I had no idea and neither did he. I just stood there and watched my children buzz around me for a couple of minutes. I just couldn't imagine not being there with them. It was time to go to school and we had to load up! I took Carter to school and I felt like I had the weight on the world on my shoulders. Jeremy had just left the day before and was in Monticello working. He was there for a whole week and rode with a coworker. After I dropped Carter off I put Margo in the car and just broke down. Sorry Margo. Then I dried my eyes and called Jerm. I felt horrible for doing that to him at work but I had to call him. He was shocked and upset. He wanted to come home and Jason went to pick him up. Thanks Jason.

Fast Foward to my appointment with the Oncologist, Dr. Bandy. He basically explained that I had Stage 1b1 Cervical Cancer. He said I would have a Radical Modified Hysterectomy using the Da Vinci Robot Surgery Systerm. This means taking my cervix, upper vagina, uterus, and a lymphnode for testing. If all of that comes back clear then I am done! If not, then we would discuss further treatment. He said he thinks I will be fine and this is a bump in the road. It was a busy day because I had to make like 50 phone calls and explain this to people. Whew!! I go back to the Dr. on 4/28/10 to see if I am healed enough from the biopsy to go ahead with the hysterectomy.

Dear anyone and everyone,

I am scared and anxious. I am sad and dissapointed. I am grateful. I am scared that this could be worse than what they are saying and anxious to find out the results after the hysterectomy. I am scared of having a hysterectomy. I am sad that I cannot have anymore children because I wanted some. I am dissappointed to no longer have that option because of stupid Cancer. I am angry that this happend to me and I am only 29. Cancer sucks.

I am totally grateful. My Cancer could be worse. I have two beautiful healthy kiddos. I learned of the first abnormal pap smear after my 6 week check up after having Margo. I think about his happening just a year earlier. What if I never got to meet that beautiful baby girl? I cannot even imagine not having my baby girl. I cannot believe that I got to have these awesome kids before I had to have a hysterectomy. Thank you so much Lord. Some people never get to experience in their whole life the amount of happiness I experience in a day. I could never express my gratitude enough.

There is a song, Bring The Rain, by Mercy Me. I love it.

Ladies, please go to your GYN regularly and take them seriously when they say you need to have something done. I know those tests are no fun but this is seriously not going to be fun. Take care of yourselves because putting it off or skipping a year or two can be devistating.



Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Happy Birthday To You Both....

Well I am late blogging about this, but on January 28th we celebrated Margo's first birthday! Jeremy had to work and Carter went to MDO. I took Margo to The Wonderplace and then out to lunch with her Papaw and Nanny Opal. She was so big and had so much fun! Her little attitude has started to show and it is adorably bad. When the dogs come into Margo's room while we are playing and get in our way I say loudly, "Out!" So, while we were playing with a toy at The Wonderplace another toddler came over and started to play with Margo. Margo then started shaking her finger at this sweet little girl and yelling, "Ou, Ou!" OMG, it is a good thing that they didn't understand her at all. The Mom said, "Oh look she is so cute honey, she is talking to you." Um, no. She was yelling at your kid. Oh well, she is so cute. Who cares right?

This was a bittersweet day. I was so happy to be celebrating my daughters birthday. I am so grateful for her and her health, I mean I could not ask for more in my children. Everytime she did something cute I wanted to turn and show someone or share that moment. With Jerm working that day it was sort of lonely. I know that my Mom would have been there and that is hard to forget on such a happy day. Margo got a toy giraffe in the store there and then she ate like a big girl at lunch. When we left we picked up Carter and then Margo slept for along time! It was a great day and I am so glad that I got to share it with her.

Fast foward to February the 20th. We were so busy this day! We were getting ready to take Carter to try a Karate class and he was so excited that he had a hard time following directions. Ironic huh, Karate and not following directions? While getting him ready I got a little sad. It was on this day a year ago that we lost my Mom to Cancer. Again, I was so sad to not share this moment with her and it got to me. Carter asked what was wrong. I am usually very honest with him about this subject because I want him to see emotions in a healthy way. I told him I was sad and why and then I told him that I was happy for him and happy for Mimi because it was her first birthday in heaven. I told him how much fun she was probably having watching him. Karate went well except for someone let their raging maniac of a toddler in there! Who would do that? Oh wait, I DID! Margo was crazy. Screaming, throwing goldfish, the whole nine yards. I wanted to throw her little butt out there and let her learn some self discipline. Carter did great and of course wants to go back.

Then we went home for a little Margo nap and lunch. After that, off to a birthday party at JumpZone. On the way there Carter randomly yelled out, "Daddy! Did you know it is Mimi's heaven birthday!!!!" I love these moments, because even though it makes me sad I cannot help but to smile. He keeps me grounded and I don't know what I would do without that boy. The birthday party was fun and Carter played so hard! Note to self, Margo is not a fan of the bounce houses right now. Next, off to Cabot for Jack's basketball game. Carter liked it and flirted with Grayson's friend and ate some popcorn. Margo sat still suprisingly and liked all the loud whistles. Jack's team did not win the game and I don't know who was more upset, him or my brother.

Dear Margo and Mom,

I had so much fun with you during your birthday day Margo Jane. You are so beautiful and wonderful and I just want to soak you up. I wish I had more time in the day to just sit and watch you be you. You are so independent when you play but you always want to come back and snuggle with your Mommy! You are a joy to be around and I am so excited to watch you grow up. Grow up slowly though. I am so sorry that your Mimi couldn't be there, but know that she sees everything that you do. When I look at you I am overjoyed because I know how much your Mimi loves you and loves to watch you. She is so proud of you and so am I.

I miss you everyday Mom. Thank you so much for leading by example on how to be a parent. I thought that your heaven birthday would be much harder to make it through. During those times I really do feel your prescence and I know exactly what you would say to help me through it. You are truly awesome and I love you.

Happy birthday to you both.



Thursday, January 28, 2010

Square Peg in a Round Hole...

This past Monday Carter and I went to see a behavioral specialist. Now, I have needed to see a behavioral specialilst for quite some time but it is too late for me. This was for Carter. I know what you are thinking for those of you that know my baby. That sweet angel? He is not bad, he just has some peculiar behaviors and a couple of months ago we were having some pretty profound behavior problems. Now on a scale of 1 to 10 someone else would probably rate those problems as a 4 or 5. I on the other hand would rate them as a 7 or 8. We went to see his pediatrician and she referred us to this specialist.

As the saying goes, it is not the machine it is the operator. That would probably hold true to this situation. Most of the issue is just me not knowing how to handle Carter sometimes. He is so unique and awesome that sometimes I just don't know what to do with him. His interest is animals of every kind. If you ask him to tell you his ABC's you are not going to get but about A through C. If you ask him about animals he can go on for days. If he asks you about an animal he wants to know the specific detailed name for that animal. You just can't say it is a lizard. Not good enough.

To sum it up, I know there is nothing wrong with my child. I think he is so wonderfuly unique and smart that I worry about keeping up with him. He can be a bit OCD at times, but that is okay. Please don't ever give him an animal, superhero, or figurine that cannot stand up perfectly on its legs. This is very frustrating for him which turns very frustrating for his Mommy. At the end of the appointment the doctor said Carter was a very precocious child and that he would probably always be the square peg that the world would try and fit into a round hole.

To my sweet Carter,

I love your squareness. I adore it and think you are the most creative and funny kid that I know. Sometimes in this world you will have to be round and that is okay. I will do my best to nuture and always appreciate you being a square peg. Stay true to yourself and people will love you for that. You still have to behave in school and follow directions. But when it is time to let loose and be creative remember you are a square peg! I love you so very much.